ML Blog

Finding your Defence Spouse Bestie!

If at first, you don’t find a Defence Spouse BESTIE, try again!



Sometimes when you post into a new location and the dust has settled and you’re ready to connect in with other spouses it can feel like you hit a bit of a wall and that there isn’t room for one more in the existing spouse groups. Let’s just throw the word cliquey out there. I know right, so high school and totally not my style but it happens.



It might seem hard to join in the conversation when it feels

like everyone knows each other and they have

stories to tell of past fun.



It might seem pointless to go along to a

defence event feeling as if you will get lost in the crowd.




It can feel like you are on the outside looking in

when all you want is to be on the inside.


But just because you don’t click with someone or a group straight away or feel like you’re on the outside, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try, try again because guess what? There is one inevitability with defence life, just as soon as members post out, new ones come in and so before long there is a new cohort of Defence Spouses and new opportunities to find YOUR people.


It’s kind of like…..a ‘just because you had a bad hairdressing experience doesn’t mean you should start cutting your own hair’ situation. You just have to stay strong, keep putting yourself out there and find someone new. And hey, I get it, putting yourself out there over and over can seem exhausting and it is sometimes soul-crushing but just think that the right spouse friend, your person, could be at the next Military Life Online Catchup, get-together or defence community event!


Don’t let one didn’t-click experience poison your well and DO NOT think for one minute that it’s a reflection on you. We are all going through our own stuff at different times. We are all at different stages at different times. Sometimes the common ground of being a spouse isn’t enough to create a fast friendship with someone and that’s ok. That person is not your person. Sometimes spouses can get caught up on rank, which is silly but it happens. Sometimes spouses may appear happy on the outside but are silently screaming underneath the shiny veneer and can’t see past or deal with more than their own stuff. Sometimes spouses are just at capacity and can’t bring in one more person into their life until a deployment is done or they are juggling fewer balls.


Everyone has their season. You don’t know what someone is going through or their past hurts. You don’t know their reasoning or their headspace but none of that is on you. It’s not you.


Our spouse friends can meet different needs at different times of our lives and that is perfectly a-ok. Maybe they will be lifelong friends or you may lose touch after one posting. Just like in the civilian world, we have friends we walk with, talk with and party with but those could be three different people or groups.


Just remember that you just haven’t found your people yet and that it’s so worth trying again because having defence spouse friends in your life is amazing and something that can’t be explained until you have had it.


When you know you know.


Having Defence Spouse friends can make everything seem a little bit better. It may just take some time. It may even take another posting but don’t lose heart. Once you make those spouse friends you will never look back.